My slow and bumpy start on the mindfulness journey

 

This blog serves as a space where I can reflect on and share my experiences in learning to become more mindful.

I have reached a stage in my life where I am increasingly conscious that my time on this earth is finite and should not be squandered. Too much of my energy is expended on worrying about things that I cannot control (events that have already occurred, things that may or may not come to pass). I also spend too much time rushing to get somewhere or something else (I work, I have two young children, I like going out and making and growing things). Through completing an eight week course on mindfulness (and reading a few books on the topic) I have realised that I run the risk of spending most of my adult life rushing to my grave - as opposed to gaining as much meaning and enjoyment as I can from the experiences that I am granted. 

On the other hand, I do not feel that I am gaining an improved quality of life through my formal mindfulness practice. I sit and I breathe and I try to notice my experience without judging it. Most of the time I am not even sure I manage to breathe naturally - as soon as I focus on my breath it becomes something that I am manipulating without wanting to. I am not even sure when I am meant to focus on a fleeting thought and when I let it go. Perhaps my struggles with mindfulness are an indicator of how much I have to gain from developing this capacity. But I yearn (in a most inappropriately "attached" way) to know what it is like to discover my internal wisdom, strength and connectedness with the universe. So far I have come to realise that my perpetual rumination is more analogous to a cow's second stomach than to productive cerebral activity. 

Small changes, small steps, enjoy the journey, right? I hope that by occasionally writing about my experiences as I continue to practice mindfulness, I will notice more and gain greater learnings from the process. I would love to hear from someone who has been where I am now (practicing hard but discovering only how un-mindful I am) and can assure me that greater rewards will follow...